The woods stretched on up the hill and all around them like a deep, rolling ocean. The night brought a cool air that hung heavy and dense and tasted green. It was a welcome respite from the earlier heat of the hike. Rebecca rested for a moment next to Thomas and their eyes met. Electricity sparked inside Thomas. Was this the night? The night he’d finally tell her how he felt? A windfall of images from the last 10 years flashed before his eyes and overwhelmed him. Playing in the creek as kids. A clandestine, shared cigarette on the roof. Barefoot summer nights and that time he carried her home drunk after prom. He hadn’t seen her in months, and this camping trip was just what he needed to finally open up. A few of their friends walked ahead with some people they invited from work that Thomas had never met. One was a tall, muscular stallion with an ebony mane and a pair of sunglasses he hadn’t taken off since they had embarked and wore even now in the twilight.

“There are over 34,000 documented and named spiders in the world? You won’t be able to get away from them, but you…” Horse_ebooks’ voice carried softly back to Thomas through the pines.

Now that he thought about it, Thomas hadn’t heard Horse_ebooks stop talking since he had had a tough time getting over the slippery rocks in the river at the start of the trail. All the better to distract the others while he told Rebecca how he felt…

From up ahead, Thomas heard Horse_ebooks yelling amongst the others. “Hey Teens, Let’s Stop.” The group dropped their bags.

An hour later and the friends had made their campsite, put up their tents, and were busy lighting some kindling. Thomas and Rebecca were searching through the nearby brush for more dry wood and he saw his moment was finally here. He took a deep breath and tried to quiet the nervous ringing in his ears that swelled up suddenly.

“Some of the old camping spots were barren or covered in trash,” Horse_ebooks clopped right up to Thomas and Rebecca and stood right next to them.

“Yeah, you picked a good spot,” Rebecca said and gave the horse a pat on his neck.

‘What was that?’ thought Thomas, his mind racing to find a way to get Rebecca alone again. “Hey man, can you go ask the other guys what sort of wood we should be looking for?”

“Pine.” Horse_ebooks answered almost before Thomas was even done talking.

“Horse_ebooks teaches a few classes at the community college on wood studies,” Rebecca smiled and stooped to pick up more kindling.

“Characteristics of Trees — Naturalness of Tree Worship — Origin of the Worship — The Tree of Life — Ancient Types — A Tree as a Symbol of—” Horse_ebooks started, but Thomas cleared his throat to stop him.

“You guys…know each other?”

“Yeah, Thomas…I was going to tell you earlier but Horse_ebooks was having trouble on the wet rocks—”

Horse_ebooks interrupted: “It’s almost a bit weird having completely dry feet at all times!” Rebecca and the horse started to laugh.

Thomas turned red. “Tell me what?”

Rebecca answered, with Horse_ebooks interjecting every step of the way: “Well, I was in Horse_ebooks’ Naturalness of Tree Worship class this semester and one day, I stayed late to ask a question—”

“Suddenly and without warning,”

“And he had begun to hint about if we could perhaps become—”

“—potential lovers—”

“—And I had said, well you’re a teacher…and a horse…so maybe we should weigh the pros and cons—

“—I started looking at my options and I mean ALL of my options,”

“—Which led to us, well, Thomas, we’ve been dating for two months!” Rebecca leaned over and kissed Horse_ebooks on his forelock.

“I have problems,” Horse_ebooks said, “constantly.”

“What do you mean?” Rebecca asked.

“The rock-hard thighs of a God.” The horse said, lowering his voice. Thomas groaned. “Everyone else gets big slices of PIE all over their faces?” The horse peered over the top of his sunglasses and gave her a long, deep stare. “PUMPKIN PIE?” She burst out laughing.

“You are SO naughty! Who would have thought? We’re so in love! We’re even getting matching tattoos this week!” She continued to giggle and Thomas felt the forest spinning around him. He almost felt like he was going to vomit. His Rebecca…and Horse_ebooks?! Matching tattoos?!!

“Ask your dumbass friends if they know of a reputable artist.” The horse pushed his glasses back up on his face and whinnied slightly. “What is important in a tent?” Horse_ebooks asked Thomas as Rebecca wrapped her fingers into his silky mane. It wasn’t really a question, but sounded more like the start of a crude knock-knock joke.

Thomas hesitated. He didn’t want to play into this. He wanted to get the image of Horse_ebooks and Rebecca’s pie out of his mind. He wanted to go back and start the hike over and push the horse down the slippery river rocks and—-“What is important in a tent.” Horse_ebooks repeated, slower and more dangerously.

Thomas could only shrug.

“Let’s just call her THE MONSTER.” And with that, Rebecca hauled herself up on the back of the horse and they trotted back towards camp. Thomas could only watch in despair as the happy couple left him gasping for air and composure in the mossy undergrowth, arms full of sticks, gutted.

“Tree Tree Tree Tree Tree Tree Tree “Stop “Stop “Stop “Stop “Stop “Stop “Stop traps, traps, traps, traps, traps, traps, traps,” Horse_ebooks’ voice carried through the trees and echoed into the night.