horse_ebooks fanfics

The hip, the cool, the horse.

Mon, 13 May 2013 13:34:00 -0400

The smoky bar was awash in a thick haze of unfiltered cigarettes. The thin artists disappeared into themselves, silent and swaying with thick glasses of wine and liquor always at their fingertips.

The top door swung open and hardly anyone even turned at all, so consumed with tres cool ennui and black turtlenecks were they. Down the old brick steps to the smoky speakeasy clip-clopped a large bay stallion, with a tiny black beret and some vintage Ray Ban Wayfarers shading his large, dark horse-eyes.

The man who was making guttural noises in a tiny white leotard raised his voice into a crescendo of agonizing shrieks and abruptly stopped. The hip mods all snapped their fingers softly with little effort, the soft, insect-like clicking signifying their approval.

The horse slowly made its way up to the small raised platform and the crowd started to pay attention. Now, this was something new. Something hip. Not square at all, they thought.

With a slight whinny, Horse_ebooks cleared his throat and clicked his large tongue to signal the start of his spoken word.
“When the Bottom Falls Out Of your Chair, You don t want to brag but you, 100 times a day, might actually.”

A few of the Parisians slid their own glasses down their noses to take in this ethereal being. With a quick tip-tap of his front hooves, Horse_ebooks continued.

“What did you buy? I bought a dress. I bought some steak. Where did you go last weekend and what did you do?
What to do.
We speak and breathe everything, everybody, including you and me, as we will. Maybe one day I myself will, MOVE THINGS, massive stars…” He reared and bucked slightly, and a few of the hip cool hipsters gasped. This is what they were looking for. The MOVEMENT. The truth, the horse, its words!

“Draw the details of the mouth, with the quiet, need to polish. Imagine no. keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep keep, keep keep keep keep keep…” His voice grew louder, the repeated word lost meaning and as he continued, Horse_ebooks seemed to start convulsing. He pawed like mad at the stage in front of him, his snorts and words making swirls in the smoke clouds that hovered about everyone.

Mais, oui! This was LE COOL, thought all the beat poets. They stood and swooned, they beat their feet on the ground and snapped loudly. One woman fainted holding a long baguette in her slender, paint-splattered hand. Horse_ebooks grew quiet and sullen and whispered one last line.

“Put my knowledge to work and see your tar-filled lungs in the same way as soap acts. Glad you asked.” With a little nod, the horse grabbed a bottle of wine from a nearby table and clip clopped away, up the stairs, and into the Paris night. A new era of Art had begun.

I'm coming out...to the team.

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 16:03:44 -0400

“Beggar My Neighbor Bingo Birds, Beasts and Fishes Bird Catcher 26, Birds Fly…!” The team chimed in for the last few words, thumped their hands downwards with force, and huzzahed with gusto.

The team captain, a broad, shining beast of a stallion wearing shoulder pads and a large red jersey, continued after leading us on our team cheer. “UNLEASH YOUR INNER MONEY ANIMAL RIGHT HERE.”

The boys in the locker room went wild, beating their chests and thumping each other on the back. I’d always been uncomfortable with this. No one on my team knew I was actually gay, and I didn’t know how to proceed. No one knew the real me, and I was still exploring everything myself. I felt like I was lying to the team, and I knew my nerves would get the better of me on the field. I watched Horse_ebooks flip down his trademark shades and wondered how he’d react if I told them.

“That’s right, Birds! We’re the BEST team. YOU CANNOT LET US DOWN! Everything is riding on THIS GAME,” The coach jabbed his finger into our faces and strut slowly in front of us, Skoal in cheek and clipboard in hand. I shivered and gulped. I had to tell the team now. Before the big game, though? It might ruin everything. But if I couldn’t play as myself, I couldn’t play at all. I thought better of it, but before I could stop myself, the words slipped through my mouth.

“Guys, I like guys.” I blurted. The team stopped whooping and turned to face me.

“ort? what are you roaring?” Horse_ebooks clomped closer to me, using my team nickname, ort.

“I…I’m afraid I won’t do well if I kept my secret to myself. I don’t want to let you all down…” I said, suddenly wondering why I’d opened my mouth at all.

“uncomfortable police…” Horse_ebooks said jokingly, under his breath. Some of the guys chuckled. I reddened.

“I understand that the Information…We all know how frustrating it is when cravings…to do it….” Horse_ebooks was thrust into an awkward position, and tried to say something, anything. “From…to controlling the big….To make a long story short, I got…”

“Are you sure?” Asked the coach. He pointed at a nude calendar on the wall, circling a woman’s breasts with his index finger.

I cringed and nodded. “I’m so sure.”

Horse_ebooks shrugged, and took the coach’s lead. “Check out just SOME!” The coach turned to the next month and thrust a woman’s spread legs in my face. Horse_ebooks whinnied and whispered to the picture, “pieces! Sweet! You kept it clean and easy and I appreciate you.”

I was so uncomfortable. Coach threw the poster down and walked towards the exit. The guys all milled around and some came up to give me a pat on the back. Horse_ebooks took a breath and clipped over to me quickly, putting a large hoof on my shoulder.

“I am going to help you become the person you know.” He looked deep into my eyes, pulling down his shades and handing me my helmet. The rest of the team nodded, joining in and gathering closer to us. They all started to clomp me on the back and Horse_ebooks reared high in the air. I felt great. Eff Coach, my team were my bros! I felt great, and ready to kick some football ass.

We yanked on our helmets and started to chant and stomp, the best captain Horse_ebooks yelling our last-minute team cheer: “Servings of vegetables nnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnnnn Raw vpp-ptahlp<? nnnnnnnnnnnn rvaw vegetaoies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” As we charged onto the field.

Obedience class

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 14:28:13 -0400

“Who s Training Who?” asked the horse standing next to me, waiting for obedience class to start. Sure my dog was a tiny bit out of control, but that was a very rude thing to say. I also wondered how a horse got a dog in the first place.

He stomped a hoof on the ground twice, and his corgi did a backflip. “Animal magic” he said with a wink, looking at me. Was he… hitting on me?

I took my phone out and nervously started to pretend to read some emails. It didn’t phase him. “Have you ever made a phone call to a man and later regretted it? Have you ever hesitated before”

I started to get a bit creeped out. “Um… I have a boyfriend, you know.” I muttered.

He pressed his snout to my ear and whispered “the gorgeous liars,”. I shuddered in disgust. He continued. “Imagine, you bring home toothpaste,” How has anyone else in the class not noticed this huge horse hitting on me? I made a mental note not to stand in the back of the class next week.

He then started licking my neck, continuing to whisper. “Some people think French kissing is no big deal. It s just like a regular kiss, but with a little added tongue-action. That s dead wrong.”

“Okay, STOP!” I yelled, frustrated. “I’m not interested!”

He looked a bit taken aback and started to walk off. On his way out, he turned back and noticed I was still staring at him in disbelief and lifted his tail.

“Revealed: Two of the sexiest minerals and” I couldn’t hear the rest of what he said over the sound of me vomiting.

The Pyramid's Curse

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 09:43:27 -0500

We had spent years preparing for this day. Finally, my dream was becoming a reality. The crowd cheered as myself and my team entered the last unexplored pyramid in Egypt.

As we lowered ourselves into the dark corridor, one of my associates turned on his flashlight. Immediately we saw a yellowed, dusty piece of paper on the ground. Were we not the first ones here?

I walked over and blew the dust off. It seemed to be a journal entry. I read it aloud.

“I noticed that my hair grew faster from spending time in my pyramid.”

We had ourselves a good laugh and ventured on down the hallway, wondering what prankster had left that note. However, we soon noticed each other’s hair was slightly longer than it had been minutes earlier when we entered the pyramid. Surely, the curse of the pyramid was a myth?

We ventured forward, a bit shaken from what had happened. We entered a large, pitch black room when suddenly all of our flashlights stopped working! Feeling along the wall of the dark room, I found a ledge with some old candles. I lit one and noticed another note below.

“I m not some candle expert, but just a mom that loves to spend time with her kids and enjoys great smelling”

The bottom of the note had been ripped off. Who was writing these? I moved my hair, which was now covering my eyes, and continued on through the large room.

We came to two large doors. No matter what we did, they wouldn’t budge. Eventually out of desperation, we began to inspect the large room. I came across another note, this time written on the wall in dried blood. I could just barely make out the first few words.

“digest the golden”

I had only a few seconds to ponder what that meant before a golden scarab crawled across the wall in front of me. No… it couldn’t mean that! With no other options, I plucked it from the stone and shoved it in my mouth. As I swallowed it, the large stone doors slowly slid open across the room.

The next room we entered seemed to be a torture chamber. There were chains and dried blood hanging from the wall. Someone noticed another note on the ground.

“I didn t like having my bike stolen, and I definitely did not enjoy being lashed with a heavy chain. For months (maybe”

We continued, trying not to trip over our hair which was now touching the ground. The next room we came across had tiny holes in the dirt. Up against the wall on the other side was the skeleton of a horse. I noticed another note, right in the horses ribcage. I grabbed it and reeled back in horror.

“Worms – oh my god WORMS”

Doctors Visit

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 10:24:00 -0500

Horse_ebooks glanced down at the cover of the months old copy of Women’s Day on the side table next to him.

“What to do in an emergency. (Page 117) What to do if your ferret starts to sneeze. (Page 119)” he read aloud, as an old woman struggled to get past him up to the front desk.

“Mr. Ebooks?” a nurse called from the doorway “The doctor will see you now.”

Horse_ebooks barely squeezed by other nurses in the hallway as he was lead to the examination room.

“The doctor will be with you in just a moment,” the nurse said, closing the door behind her.

Horse_ebooks stared at the old painting on the wall. After a moment, he shook his head. Soon, the door swung open. An old man walked into the room, with a stethoscope around his neck wearing a white coat. “Hello Mr. Ebooks, I’m docto-”

The doctor paused at the sight of a ray-ban wearing stallion standing in his examination room.

“Ask your dumbass friends if they know of a reputable artist.” Horse_ebooks sneered, eying the painting hanging on the wall across from him.

“Thanks, I-I’ll do that. Now you see, I don’t normally treat horses, but apparently an exception has been made. So tell me about your medical history.”

Horse_ebooks stared wistfully at the wall. “I have been in the deepest, darkest valleys of bodybuilding hell, and on the brightest mountain peaks of glorious bodybuilding success. I” Tears started welling up in his eyes, he couldn’t finish.

“I see,” said the doctor, beginning to lose his patience. “So what brings you in today?”

“my greasy ham” replied the horse.

“Your… greasy ham?”

Horse_ebooks clumsily turned around to show his glistening hindquarters to the doctor, knocking over a glass container of cotton balls in the process.

“NO-ONE should have to go through what I did just to build a simple koi pond”

“I see. Well, I don’t know if theres much I can do about your greasy ham, Mr. Ebooks. I think our time here is done. Please go to the front desk to discuss payment.”

Confused, Horse_ebooks walked up to the receptionists desk.

“How was your session with the doctor?” she asked, not looking up from her paperwork.

“it was absolutely useless. Thanks”

“Oh, well. I’m very sorry to hear that. Payment is due at the time of service. Will you be paying with cash or credit, Mr. Ebooks?”

Horse_ebooks looked down at the $500 bill. He looked back up at the receptionist.

“If you suffer from bad credit, you have 3 options: do nothing” he yelled, galloping out the front door.

The Curse

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 13:14:00 -0500

It was a normal day at Walmart in Normaltown, USA. I had gotten a great evening of rest and I was ready to restock the infant section. I had just finished tagging all the new Infamil when I felt hot breath on the back of my neck. Turning, I was face to face with a large, Chestnut horse. He looked curiously at me and cocked his huge head to one side.

“Hi, how can I…help you?” I asked. The horse blinked.

“Where Do I Find Ghosts,” He queried. He cocked his head a bit to the other side.

“I’m sorry—what are you looking for?” The horse couldn’t have just said ‘ghosts’…?

“82. Pluto Coffee 83. Praline Coffee 84. Turkish Coffee…” Grabbing a piece of paper from his large, horsey fanny pack, he let out a great big shudder as he mumbled and read.

“Oh, coffee. That’d be aisle 4 with the tea, coffee, and other beverages. Right over near the front of the store.” I smiled and turned back towards stocking.

“You are smiling.” The horse said. Weirded out, I stepped a bit away from the be-speckled stallion. He stepped towards me. I stepped to the left. The horse mirrored my movements. “Is the dance floor calling? No.” Did he just sass me?

I took a deep breath. “Is there something else I can help you find?”

“CHOCOLATE SYRUP REFRESHING DRINK FOR SUMMER.” Horse_ebooks yelled as he read off his list. A woman pushing a child in her shopping cart sped away with widened eyes.

“That would be in the same aisle as the various coffees, sir,” I stage whispered, hoping to draw attention away from us. I saw my manager watching us with curiosity. The horse leaned close to me and his mane brushed against my cheek, falling over my shoulder and his flapping horse lips grabbed at the ends of my coif.

“our hair…” The horse whispered, staring with large, black, emotionless eyes.

“Excuse me, who do you think you are and what do you think you’re doing?!” I stepped back and knocked over the row of Infamil I had just stacked. The horse looked nonplussed.

“Freudian analyst, paint pictures, dance, do bio-energetic exercises and yoga, meditate, levitate, pray, and commune with nature on peyote—” With that, the horse threw back his head and laughed. “I Laughed Out Loud…Now I Know What I Have To Do.” Horse_ebooks spat out ominously and dropped his shopping list. He turned tail and galloped, swerving, through the front entrance, kicking displays and knocking over Faded Glory clothing racks as he went.

My manager came over to me at a good clip. “Damn meth heads. I have kicked that idiot horse out of here three times this week. He came in here yesterday screaming for PUMPKIN PIE and DELICIOUS MUD. He’s cranked out. You ok?” I nodded and picked up the shopping list he had so unceremoniously let flutter to the ground.

It wasn’t a shopping list at all. It read simply, “I AM THE UNDISPUTED KING OF CASH AND I AM UTTERLY FREE” written in oxidized blood. In tiny lettering that looked fecal, I made out the words, “To have my throat cut across… My tongue torn out by the roots… And my body buried in the rough sands of the sea.” That night I lost the use of my legs. To this day, hair grows on my tongue.

Horse_ebooks: This is a romantic story. If you do not

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:58:00 -0500

The woods stretched on up the hill and all around them like a deep, rolling ocean. The night brought a cool air that hung heavy and dense and tasted green. It was a welcome respite from the earlier heat of the hike. Rebecca rested for a moment next to Thomas and their eyes met. Electricity sparked inside Thomas. Was this the night? The night he’d finally tell her how he felt? A windfall of images from the last 10 years flashed before his eyes and overwhelmed him. Playing in the creek as kids. A clandestine, shared cigarette on the roof. Barefoot summer nights and that time he carried her home drunk after prom. He hadn’t seen her in months, and this camping trip was just what he needed to finally open up. A few of their friends walked ahead with some people they invited from work that Thomas had never met. One was a tall, muscular stallion with an ebony mane and a pair of sunglasses he hadn’t taken off since they had embarked and wore even now in the twilight.

“There are over 34,000 documented and named spiders in the world? You won’t be able to get away from them, but you…” Horse_ebooks’ voice carried softly back to Thomas through the pines.

Now that he thought about it, Thomas hadn’t heard Horse_ebooks stop talking since he had had a tough time getting over the slippery rocks in the river at the start of the trail. All the better to distract the others while he told Rebecca how he felt…

From up ahead, Thomas heard Horse_ebooks yelling amongst the others. “Hey Teens, Let’s Stop.” The group dropped their bags.

An hour later and the friends had made their campsite, put up their tents, and were busy lighting some kindling. Thomas and Rebecca were searching through the nearby brush for more dry wood and he saw his moment was finally here. He took a deep breath and tried to quiet the nervous ringing in his ears that swelled up suddenly.

“Some of the old camping spots were barren or covered in trash,” Horse_ebooks clopped right up to Thomas and Rebecca and stood right next to them.

“Yeah, you picked a good spot,” Rebecca said and gave the horse a pat on his neck.

‘What was that?’ thought Thomas, his mind racing to find a way to get Rebecca alone again. “Hey man, can you go ask the other guys what sort of wood we should be looking for?”

“Pine.” Horse_ebooks answered almost before Thomas was even done talking.

“Horse_ebooks teaches a few classes at the community college on wood studies,” Rebecca smiled and stooped to pick up more kindling.

“Characteristics of Trees — Naturalness of Tree Worship — Origin of the Worship — The Tree of Life — Ancient Types — A Tree as a Symbol of—” Horse_ebooks started, but Thomas cleared his throat to stop him.

“You guys…know each other?”

“Yeah, Thomas…I was going to tell you earlier but Horse_ebooks was having trouble on the wet rocks—”

Horse_ebooks interrupted: “It’s almost a bit weird having completely dry feet at all times!” Rebecca and the horse started to laugh.

Thomas turned red. “Tell me what?”

Rebecca answered, with Horse_ebooks interjecting every step of the way: “Well, I was in Horse_ebooks’ Naturalness of Tree Worship class this semester and one day, I stayed late to ask a question—”

“Suddenly and without warning,”

“And he had begun to hint about if we could perhaps become—”

“—potential lovers—”

“—And I had said, well you’re a teacher…and a horse…so maybe we should weigh the pros and cons—

“—I started looking at my options and I mean ALL of my options,”

“—Which led to us, well, Thomas, we’ve been dating for two months!” Rebecca leaned over and kissed Horse_ebooks on his forelock.

“I have problems,” Horse_ebooks said, “constantly.”

“What do you mean?” Rebecca asked.

“The rock-hard thighs of a God.” The horse said, lowering his voice. Thomas groaned. “Everyone else gets big slices of PIE all over their faces?” The horse peered over the top of his sunglasses and gave her a long, deep stare. “PUMPKIN PIE?” She burst out laughing.

“You are SO naughty! Who would have thought? We’re so in love! We’re even getting matching tattoos this week!” She continued to giggle and Thomas felt the forest spinning around him. He almost felt like he was going to vomit. His Rebecca…and Horse_ebooks?! Matching tattoos?!!

“Ask your dumbass friends if they know of a reputable artist.” The horse pushed his glasses back up on his face and whinnied slightly. “What is important in a tent?” Horse_ebooks asked Thomas as Rebecca wrapped her fingers into his silky mane. It wasn’t really a question, but sounded more like the start of a crude knock-knock joke.

Thomas hesitated. He didn’t want to play into this. He wanted to get the image of Horse_ebooks and Rebecca’s pie out of his mind. He wanted to go back and start the hike over and push the horse down the slippery river rocks and—-“What is important in a tent.” Horse_ebooks repeated, slower and more dangerously.

Thomas could only shrug.

“Let’s just call her THE MONSTER.” And with that, Rebecca hauled herself up on the back of the horse and they trotted back towards camp. Thomas could only watch in despair as the happy couple left him gasping for air and composure in the mossy undergrowth, arms full of sticks, gutted.

“Tree Tree Tree Tree Tree Tree Tree “Stop “Stop “Stop “Stop “Stop “Stop “Stop traps, traps, traps, traps, traps, traps, traps,” Horse_ebooks’ voice carried through the trees and echoed into the night.

Halloween

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:59:00 -0500

I missed being back home. New York City was so strange and foreign to me. This was my first Halloween since I had moved. I hadn’t had much luck making friends yet so I was surprised I found a party to go to. Everyone seemed to know each other here though. For a city of so many people, I felt completely alone.

I walked over to the punch bowl and raised my mask as I took a drink. A large brown horse wearing some sort of ill fitting green getup walked over. He lifted a hoof and stared at me. After what seemed like an eternity, I figured he was trying to introduce himself so I grabbed his hoof and shook.

“Shake Hands…yup…” he said.

“So uh, what are you supposed to be?” I asked.

He looked at me impatiently and muttered “frog”.

Finally, some common ground. “Ah yeah! My girlfriend… well, ex girlfriend, was a frog last year. What did you dress up as last year?”

“I was a 475 pound cab driver,” he replied.

There was an awkward silence before he reached over and stroked my Superman costume. He looked at me longingly and said “It s pretty impressive material dude… Unfortunately I am married but if I”

He was interrupted by a man dressed as what I can only describe as a sexy cop. He kissed the horse on the nuzzle and started rolling a white cylinder over the horse’s costume.

The horse laughed nervously. “There is nothing more embarrassing than having your husband go at you with the lint brush”

His husband noticed the punch staining the fur around the horse’s mouth. “Honey, go and wash up. You’ve got punch all over you.”

“I ll wash my face when I damn” He stopped mid sentence and started doing breathing exercises to calm down.

The husband handed me a drink. “Go ahead.” He said, with a smile. I sat down on a chair as the horse and his husband looked on.

“Sit back. Sip on your favorite beverage. Relax and imagine how good” were the last words I heard before waking up 12 hours later in a Queens apartment bathtub, missing a kidney.

Fired

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 11:24:18 -0500

“Crap.” I thought to myself, looking at the blank page in Microsoft Word. The annual report was due in 5 minutes and I hadn’t even started it yet. I glanced over at the picture of my wife and kids on my desk and started to wonder how I was going to pay for my son’s operation.

The clock on my computer struck 12 and I heard the door to my bosses office swing open. My heart raced as the clops of his hooves drew nearer to my cubicle. I soon saw a brown horse head with a white mark on it’s forehead peering over the cubicle wall, looking at my computer screen.

“Absolutely nothing, NOTHING” he shouted.

“S-sir. I can explain. I was confused. I’ve never done one of these before. I was just promoted from the mail room a week ago.”

“You Don t Have To Be A Nobel Prize Winner To Create HOT Information Products!” he responded angrily. “But many people have great ideas and want to write about them. Most people never will.”

He looked back at me disapprovingly. “It s really over .”

“But, what about my wife! My sick son!”

“A new beginning for everyone.”

I began to sound desperate. “But I was also the top salesman this month!”

“Your Sales Skills are meaningless” he replied. “I will tell you a true story. If you believe me you will be well rewarded. If you don t believe me,”

He shook his long, luxurious mane. “I noticed that my hair grew faster from spending time in my pyramid.”

Thats when it hit me. This whole company was a scam. “Wait. Thats why you keep trying to get me to get more people to work here and sell things. This is a pyramid scheme! Well you know what? I QUIT!” I slammed my fist on the table and grabbed my few possessions on my desk.

As I walked out the door, I could hear my boss begin to shout desperately.

“PYRAMID ENERGY IS REAL - IT S SACRED SCIENCE! JUST LIKE THE COMPUTER,”

An Amish Invitation

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 18:28:28 -0500

“Well, Mr. Horse_ebooks, would you like to say Grace?” Asked Mrs. Yoder, placing the last of the dinner plates down on the simple, homemade table. She gazed at her 7 children and husband, his long Amish beard hanging almost into his dinner plate. With a curt nod, he caught her gaze and adjusted it. Her youngest son had brought over a friend who had recently moved into their tight-knit community. She had been rather surprised that it was a full-grown stallion.

He didn’t look up at her. “doesn’t matter” Horse_ebooks said. He glanced at her youngest son, Jeremiah. They exchanged looks.

“Ok, well, I think that Samuel should. Samuel?” Her husband recited Grace and when they all opened their eyes, Horse_ebook was already nibbling at some corn.

“Do you ever get a hankering for corn…?” Horse_ebooks glanced around the table.

“Well, that’s not so polite, Horse_ebooks, is it? In any case, how do you like the food?” Mrs. Yoder asked.

“greasy” came his nonchalant reply. Mrs. Yoder pretended not to hear.

“So you moved from Ohio? How do you and your parents like it here?” Samuel Yoder asked. He could see his wife growing unhappy and had decided to step in.

“They are boring They follow the…” Horse_ebooks trailed off and stuffed some more food into his mouth before continuing, “Book Of Death.”

Everyone fell silent and Jeremiah chortled slightly under his breath. No one really knew what to say. Mrs. Yoder was red and embarrassed, thinking maybe the Lord had sent this Horse_ebooks to challenge her. He wouldn’t get the best of her, she tought.

“What do you think of the bread? I have my two eldest daughters make it every day. We sell it at our farm stand on the weekends.”

“The amount of labor which a loaf represents is almost incredible.” He raised his eyebrows as if everyone should agree. Finally, Mrs. Yoder thought, dinner was back on track.

“It is, very much so, incredible…We were baking a loaf and thinking of the ingredients as every virtue we loved about our lives. What would go in your ‘virtue loaf’, Horse_ebooks?” Mrs. Yoder looked to her kids, who always loved this game. Naming the ingredients for different virtues. Silly, but not profane. She smiled to herself for making that up.

Horse_ebooks sat back for a second and put his hooves through his suspenders and thought quietly. “Worry Unforgiveness Pride Prejudice Lying Immodesty Hypocrisy Humility Honesty Hatred Gossip.”

“Ha, what a funny-man! Humor is a virtue in and of itself when the Lord challenges us,” Samuel interjected quickly. “I like your suspenders. I heard your mother is quite the sewing expert. She made some of those for us, you know, and handed them out to us at church this morning—”

“By far, the fastest and easiest way of conveying that you re worthy of sex is through your clothes. Clothes communicate.” Horse_ebooks let out a belch. Everyone stared.

“Clothes…” He trailed off wistfully. No one made a move. “fabric…” Again he stared past the table,t he food, through the window, and into the fields.

“Well, at least he’s speaking truthfully, Mother,” said her eldest son, John. His Rummspringa was coming next month, and he was starting to get rebellious. Mrs. Yoder inhaled deeply, trying to calm herself.

Horse_ebooks pushed his chair back and walked to the back door. “Truth is often shameless, truth is not shy. Truth can be murderously horrible. Maija. (Reluctantly.)” He left, then turned back. “Please and Thank you!” And he was gone.

Hollywood

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 14:46:00 -0500

“And what will you be performing for us today?”

“Song of the Clown”

“Alright, go ahead.”

“DO RE MI FA FA FA FA FA MI MI MI MI RE RE MI RE SOL MI MI MI MI MI MI MI SOL DO RE MI FA FA FA FA FA MI MI MI SOL SOL FA RE DO GO TELL”

“Um… we’ll call you. Thanks.”

It was horse_ebooks’ 5th audition that week. Being an aspiring actor was taking it’s toll on him. He hadn’t had steady work for months now and, despite all of his ClickBank Ads, he wasn’t sure if he could pay rent that month.

He sullenly trotted out of the casting agency onto the sunny Los Angeles street. If he hurried, he could catch the bus. As he was about to cross the street, a familiar voice called out to him.

“Horse_ebooks! Whats up man?”

“Dude,”

It was his old roommate.

“Hello my friend…” Horse_ebooks paused for a second, trying to remember his name. “Gary”

“Long time no see man! Heard you had an audition today. How’d that go?” Steve asked.

“it was absolutely useless. Thanks”

“Whoa, that bad, huh?”

“I don t know about you, but I sure as heck don t want to look like a strange dude”. Horse_ebooks looked down at the ground.

“Thinking of giving up on your dream? I did a few months ago and I’ll never forgive myself.”

“LEARN TO FORGIVE YOURSELFFFF” Horse_ebooks yelled. He didn’t like seeing anyone like this, let alone a friend.

“The fact of the matter is, being a famous anything is overrated. I’d rather make money doing something I really love, without all the attention.”

Horse_ebooks pondered this for a minute. “It s a FACT - Most Doctors, Nutrition Experts , Celebrity Chefs and Best Selling Authors are DEAD”

“Yeah!” exclaimed Gary “You know what? I’m done with this whole Hollywood thing! Let’s you and me go out there and do something that matters.”

Horse_ebooks looked behind Gary and saw a sign directing drivers towards the Los Angeles Airport. A smile came across his face. He looked back at Gary.

“Get ready to fly helicopters.”

Thanksgiving

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 14:36:50 -0400

“Mom, Dad, meet my boyfriend.”

The snow was falling lightly on the ground in the front yard. A light chill was felt in the air. It was Tess’s first Thanksgiving back home since she moved away to college 4 years ago. She was happy to see them again, but worried about how they’d react to her boyfriend.

Horse_ebooks held a hoof out to Jennifer’s father, who was standing in the open doorway. “Hello Matt , I just wanted to say that you are the”

Tess cut him off. “His name isn’t Matt!” she whispered angrily into his ear. This wasn’t going as well as she planned.

He turned his attention to Tess’s mom. “Perfect CURLS” he exclaimed before kissing her hand.

“Er… come on in.” Tess’s mom said, reluctantly.

The two walked in. Horse_ebooks immediately started looking around. “Indoor Living” he sighed happily to himself. He then began to investigate the room further.

He stopped at the family’s aquarium. “Your Fish Now Seem Sick, Your Tank Looks Dull” he said, turning his head to the father.

Next, he trotted over to a stuffed bird Tess’s dad had shot when hunting. “silent wren” whispered Horse_ebooks to himself wistfully.

“Honey, can we have a word with you in the other room?” Tess’s mom worriedly asked her daughter.

“Sure, Mom. Horse_ebooks, why don’t you go into the dining room and meet the rest of my family?”

Tess and her parents walked down the hall into an empty bedroom and closed the door. Satisfied, Horse_ebooks started walking towards the dining room. He found a pie cooling on the table. He looked around to make sure no one was looking before he dug his snout in.

“PUMPKIN “PIE”” he sneered, spitting the rest out.

Suddenly, a small boy crashed into the horse’s legs.

Horse_ebooks looked down to see what had happened. “Do Not Fear the Horse The Little Boy”

He looked back up to see the child’s wide eyed mother, one of Tess’s aunts. “That s a parent s worst nightmare: A child”. he said to her. He chuckled and waited for her to return the laugh. She didn’t.

He was tired of this. Tired of everyone treating him like a horse. He was like everyone else, he just wanted to make a connection with someone, to be happy. He thought maybe Tess’s family was different but he was learning quickly they weren’t. He snapped.

“you are going to get a rare glimpse into the pain-causing secrets of the best trained soldiers” he snarled at her.

She began to turn to run. He grabbed the nearest heavy object, a large family photo album, in his mouth and flung it at her. It hit her in the head, and her body crumpled to the ground in a bloody pile. The little boy screamed.

“Are you overwhelmed by your photographs?” he laughed.

Another scream was heard behind him. He turned around to see Tess, pale as a sheet.

“Tess begins to suspect her family was murdered.” he murmurs to himself. “what to do in court!”

Reunion

Fri, 28 Oct 2011 18:36:59 -0400

“It’s going so well, I can’t believe it! No one has pantsed me. No more ‘Jheri-curl George.’” George turned to Marley and raised his champagne.

“I guess people really do mellow out as they get older. Aren’t you glad you came? Stickin’ it to the bullies who treated you like shit before?” Marley smiled and placed her hand on George’s back. He smiled back.

“Nice CURLS.” Horse_ebooks galloped by, wearing dark sunglasses, his mane glistening in the disco ball’s sparkling light. George’s shoulders dropped.

“Hey! I don’t—” but the horse was already running out of ear shot, “—even have hair anymore….”

Lonely Jamie - rated R'ish

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 14:27:15 -0400

Jamie Foxx sat at the bar, drowning his sorrows in a Manhattan. The snow was falling outside in soft sheets. His tears slid down his perfect, dark skin, and his muscles—newly large from an upcoming role in a boxing movie—bulged through his shirt. He was depressed. The holidays, even when you’re a big celebrity, are very empty when you’re alone, he mused to himself and threw back the last of his drink.

Silvery tones from the bell over the door sounded. Jamie did not even bother to look up. Two pairs of feet shuffled in heavily and he did not want to see another happy couple enjoying themselves in the winter wonderland that was creating itself outside.

“Do you sell items such as jams, jellies, maps, wine, books, etc.?” A deep, leathery voice asked. It caught Jamie’s attention but he was already a bit tipsy and didn’t trust himself to not make a spectacle of himself if he got involved in someone else’s business tonight.

The bartender shook his head and continued polishing his stemware behind the bar, unfazed. The newcomer pulled a chair next to Jamie back and sat down. He could feel eyes searching his face. He was used to this, as people tried to place him and figure out why he looked so familiar. It was getting old, however.

“Black Beauty…” The smooth voice whispered. Shocked, Jamie was about to turn and give this stranger a piece of his mind when he swung around to view a stallion sitting next to him. A real stallion. It was chestnut with a white stripe down the middle of his head and long, dark locks. Jamie Foxx was entranced.

“Can I help you?” He ordered another drink and put his guard up.

“You meet a guy and he seems really nice, you’d like to get to know him, but he doesn’t ask you for your number. No way.” The horse mumbled to himself sarcastically, shaking his head slowly.

Jamie Foxx was a bit perplexed but he was lonely and intrigued. ‘You might regret this, J’, he said to himself, but proceeded. “What’s your name?” Jamie started sipping his new drink and turned to the stranger, who was licking the melting snow off his coat.

“The Lay Maestro.” The stallion replied saucily with a wink.

“You’re bad. No, really, man, what’s your name?”

“Horse_ebooks.” Horse_ebooks said quietly. He raised a hoof to flag down the bartender. “Delicious mud.” The bartender nodded and reached for the Kahlua and a Hershey’s bar and Everclear. The night had just begun.

Talk drifted from topic to topic. Jamie Foxx liked Horse_ebooks. He knew a lot about lots of different topics, from politics to betting methods and even could quote lines from abstract books. Horse_ebooks was in the middle of one of these recitations when it started to sound familiar. “The girl he watched grow into a woman, a woman who has stolen his heart, is now a werewolf and his dream of making her his has been—” Jamie Foxx interrupted him.

“NO WAY, MAN! That was from my last movie! I was filming—”

“Winter’s Kiss.”

“—yeah, YEAH! Winter’s Kiss. We were filming in Russia. That shit was COLD, son. Food sucked too. I was never so excited to get back to LA and the US than then…”

“Red, White and Blue…” Horse_ebooks nodded and the conversation trailed off in a tense silence. They were delaying the inevitable. Jamie took the first step.

“You’ve been sort of sending me signals since you walked in here, Horse_ebooks.” He inched his bar stool towards the stallion and dropped his voice down low. “If you wanted me to say one thing, what would it be?”

“A horse, at last.” He lipped his drink’s straw with his horsey lips and sucked up the last dregs of his melted beverage.

“Have you ever been with anyone as famous as me?” Jamie Foxx flashed a bright smile. Maybe he could speed things up.

“Maybe, professional—” Horse_ebooks pulled out his cell phone from his fannypack and hoofed down to Tony Romo’s name. Jamie Foxx laughed.

“Aww, shit, man, that’s nothing. That must have been disappointing.” Horse_ebooks shrugged coyly. “What?! Really?! White boy can dish it out? How long did he last?” Jamie was suddenly jealous. He felt a warmth surge through his loins.

“Even football only lasts for 90 minutes…” Horse_ebooks smirked but refused to say anything else. Jamie felt his penis get hard. This horse was driving him crazy. The bartender was in the back, restocking some large ale barrels. Taking his chance, Jamie slid his hand down the back of the stallion’s rump and ran his fingers through his silky tail.

“Listen, baby, I’m ready to take this party to the next level. What do you think?” He whispered into the horse’s ear. “Can I see it?” He wiggled his eyebrows at his new friend.

“You will undoubtedly look back on this moment with shock and—” Jamie didn’t hear the rest of what Horse_ebooks said as he peeked down at the dangling, pendulous dick that swung from between the stallion’s legs. It was glistening and throbbing in the dark bar’s light.

“Oh, dude, we have GOT to get back to your place. I’m next door to my publicist, and the things I want to do to you is going to be LOUD.” Jamie Foxx was salivating in anticipation.

Horse_ebooks left a twenty on the bar and zipped his fannypack with his lips. He sauntered to the door and wrapped his scarf around his neck, his member almost dragging on the ground. Jamie Foxx had to compose himself and tried to think of the cold snow outside to calm himself. His pants were contracted around his own erection tightly. Horse_ebooks turned and shot him a sexy stare over his shoulder, raising his tail to show off his tight anus.

The stallion pawed impatiently at the doorframe. “I hope for your sake you are ready for a life WITHOUT back or neck…”

On the Run

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 14:05:07 -0400

Driving down the never-ending highway through the Arizona desert towards the setting sun, I saw the flashing lights in my rear view mirror. Crap.

I had just killed my wife. Her body was in the trunk. If the cops found her, I would be back in jail. I couldn’t go back there. Not after what had happened. I was prepared to do anything.

I pulled over to the side of the road, remembering to put on my blinker. I didn’t want any trouble. The police car pulled up behind me. A Ray-Ban wearing horse stepped out of the drivers seat and proceeded to trot over to my car. His partner stayed where he was.

The horse took one look at me and said “Additional Help.” into his radio. I gulped. Did he recognize me? Had the word gotten out so quickly? No, no it could’t have. The other officer walked over and asked me to step out of the car. While I was being frisked, the horse walked over to my trunk.

“Hey!” I shouted, “Don’t you need a warrant for that?”

“I do not have to consult any other person - I’m my own” he paused as he struggled to lift the trunk open with his muzzle.

I needed to do something quick. I reached around and quickly grabbed a taser gun of the belt of the officer searching me. I struggled and got free, and plunged the taser gun into the backside of the horse, sending thousands of volts of electricity into his body.

But nothing happened.

“W-what the hell!” I shouted in disbelief as the other officer attempted to handcuff me.

“rubberized pants” smirked the horse.

twitter

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 14:53:14 -0400

twitter:

Ask yourself if there is anything you can learn from it. (HINT: There always is.)

The Late Night

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 14:16:00 -0400

Gina looked at the clock. It was 4:30 in the morning. Where was he!? Not at home, in bed, like she was. That was for sure. She turned over and angrily fluffed her pillow. A few minutes later, she had just turned over in bed when the door creaked open and light poured into the room.

“Psst! Shut the door!” She hissed out blindly, sitting up in bed and turning to look at him. Wobbling in on shaky legs, Horse_ebooks still wore his sunglasses and a sideways tie. He reeked of liquor and cigarettes. “Where were you?!”

“Sawdust flying from the hooves of dancing horses, glittering acrobats swinging high up in the trapeze, fanfares and braided jackets…” Horse_ebooks mumbled as he clopped to his side of the bed. He didn’t quite make it, and instead steadied himself against the windowsill, pulling off his four Kenneth Cole custom-sized dress shoes and throwing them against the opposite wall clumsily.

“Where? The circus? That ended hours ago. Where were you AFTER that?!” Gina was wide awake now, and angry.

“And life out of the circus ring was to be just as eventful, for circus folk are different, wonderful, funny—‘Find out how you can learn twist technique such as fold twist, loop twist, ear twist, apple or tulip twist and even split and pop!’” Horse_ebooks giggled as he tipsily careened towards the bed.

“What are you talking about, fold twist…tulip twist?” Gina asked.

“Balloon Twisting With Sam.” He replied, shaking a crumpled dollar bill out of his saddle bag, which remained strapped to his hind quarters.

“You saw Sam? I asked you not to see him anymore. He’s such a fucking bad influence on you! Do you even remember what tonight is? It was our LAMAZE CLASS!” Gina could hardly take it. She sat up in bed and pointed at her pregnant bulge. “You promised if we had this baby, you’d come to these classes and stop being so slow and lazy during the day. I have had to clean your stall every day this week. I’m really starting to reconsider—”

She was cut off as Horse_ebooks swayed beside the bed and blurted out, “This is good to know because no one wants a slow, lazy—”

“I wasn’t finished, Ebooks. Where did you go to ‘tulip twist’ with Sam, whatever that is?!” She could feel the blood pulsing through the vein on her forehead.

“Maiden Magic.” Horse_ebooks plopped down in bed. With a loud belch, he started to drunkenly sing, loudly and brazenly. “THE KNIGHT OF THE WHISTLE HE CAN DO—”

“Shut up! You’ll wake the entire neighborhood. What is WRONG with you? And Maiden Magic? Are you KIDDING me? That strip club near the airport? Those girls are disgusting. I can’t believe you’d pull something like this instead of just coming home after the circus. You have THIS at home waiting for you and you go fondle those deformed sluts!” Gina motioned to her face, and body.

Horse_ebooks raised his horse head from the bed laboriously and glanced at her. “Do you receive tips or other gratuities?” With that, he let his head fall to the pillow and passed out.

In the Line of Fire

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 10:43:00 -0400

It was my first day back on the job since my partner was killed. I had seen it all: we responded to a routine bank robbery but things went downhill fast. I had gotten myself caught by one of the robbers and was being held hostage. My partner and my captor exchanged bullets, and I was the only one left standing. I relived that day every night when I closed my eyes. I tried to kill myself. I crashed my motorcycle into oncoming traffic and I tried drowning myself in a river. Long story short, I was a mess. I wasn’t ready to come back yet. But I had a wife and kids. Mouths to feed.

It was time to man up.

I pushed opened the door to the 78th precinct in Brooklyn, my second home for the past 8 years. Applause broke out as I walked through the lobby. I didn’t want any of it. I was no hero. I sulked into the locker room and started changing into my uniform. I sat there alone for a few minutes as I collected my thoughts. As I was finishing buttoning up my shirt, I heard a voice from behind me.

“Don t Spend Another Day Suffering.”

I snapped my head around just in time to see the door close. What? Am I hearing things? Am I going insane? I shook it off and walked out to the assignment board. I grabbed the keys to my cruiser, ready to start my daily beat. As I was about to walk out the door I heard the Chief call out behind me.

“Johnson!”

I turned to see not just the Chief standing there, but a majestic brown stallion with a white stripe down his nose, wearing Ray-Bans and a police uniform.

“Meet your new partner, horse_ebooks.”

The horse extended a hoof. “Horse ebooks,” he said. I looked back at the Chief.

“I don’t do partners any more”

The Chief took me to the side.

“Listen, I know you’re still shook up about the loss of Jones, but you’re going to have to move on. You need a partner. This kid was the top of his class at the academy, but we need someone to show him the ropes. You’re our best cop, Johnson.”

He slapped me on the back. I took a deep breath and walked over to the horse, still extending his hoof, and shook it. It was going to be a long day.

It was a quiet morning. We spent it cruising around the streets of Brooklyn, looking for trouble but on a cold morning like this we weren’t going to find much. He talked my ear off, and told me about his past jobs: betting on horses, using AdSense keywords to make money online, and curing erectile dysfunction just to name a few. I kept my mouth shut. I had no interest in talking to this rookie.

We stopped for lunch at a tiny Mexican joint in Sunset Park. Horse_ebooks took his muzzle out of his food for a moment to exclaim “Splendiferous Guacamole” before digging back in. Moments later, the call came in over the radio.

“Unit 592, there is a 295 at First National Bank. Repeat, a 295 at First National Bank. Do you copy?”

Horse_ebooks put his Ray-Bans on and got up from the table.

“Ride”

“N-no. I can’t. Let someone else take the call. I watched my partner die there. I-I just can’t.”

He sat back down and looked at me.

“One day, you re crashing a bike, the next day you re getting shot, the next day you re laying face-down dead in a river - all in a”

He stopped himself.

“Confidence and Courage” he said to me.

I looked down at my badge. “To Serve and Protect” it read. He was right. This was no time to wallow in self loathing. People were in danger. They need my help. I can’t let the same thing happen to them I let happen to my partner. I slapped a $20 bill on the table, grabbed my keys and ran out to the car, with Horse_ebooks galloping behind.

“Apprehending Bail Fugitives,” Horse_ebooks said into the radio as we drove to the scene.

We pulled up to the bank and ran inside. There was a lone gunman holding a gun to a tellers head. I froze up.

“Shoes and footwear” whispered Horse_ebooks, pointing up to a box of promotional sandals the bank was giving away when you open up a new account. It was hanging precociously above the gunman’s head.

“Take one more step and I’ll kill her!” he shouted.

I knew what I had to do. I tossed my baton in the air. Horse_ebooks quickly turned around and kicked it right into the box of sandals. That was enough of a distraction, we rushed in and apprehended the robber.

I shut the door to the cruiser, locking the perp in, and looked back at my new partner. “Thank you, Horse_ebooks. Thank you for allowing me to regain my confidence. I know you just got out of the academy but you’ve taught me a lot. Is there anything else you’d like to show me?”

He took a step closer to me and rubbed his muzzle on my neck. “How to awaken your partner s desire.” he whispered sensually.

Potions Class

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 14:43:00 -0400

Harry took his seat near the rear of the dungeon. The usually cold air was warmer today, and Snape was positioned over the top of a bubbling cauldron that spewed a pink foam. Hermione even shot him a look across the room, and Harry knew something was different today. If the star pupil couldn’t place a potion, they were in trouble.

Just then, the dungeon door clanged open and a horse in black Hogwarts student robes strode in. Everyone gasped and started whispering to one another. Professor Snape simply raised an eyebrow icily. “Well, our new celebrity. Horse_ebooks, please remove those sunglasses and take a seat at the front of the class.”

Horse_ebooks didn’t seem to hear, or didn’t want to listen. He took a seat next to Harry, however, without saying a word. This seemed to infuriate Snape, who turned red.

“Fine, another insolent student. Tell us, if you’re so clever, what’s in this potion?”

Horse_ebooks smirked. “Ice Cream, Balloons, Pink Butterfly, Apple, Frangipani, Musical Notes, Kissy Lips, Cat, Dog, Sun, Moon, Rainbow, Dove, Soccer.” He knew all the ingredients. Hermione pursed her lips and pretended to take notes, but Harry saw that her quill was digging too hard into her notebook.

Snape’s eyes raged. “What, then, does this potion do?”

Horse_ebooks shifted languidly in his chair, and without missing a beat, responded, “How to discover and separate the pleasure functions.”

“More specifically, please, Mr. Ebooks.” The greasy-haired professor seemed pleased with himself, as if he had finally found a chink in the new student’s armor.

“How to awaken your partner’s desire.” Horse_ebooks lowered his shades and shot the professor a deep, long stare. Snape didn’t break the gaze. Instead, he glided easily down between the students, holding eye contact, and came right to Harry and Horse_ebooks’ desk. Harry gulped, but the new student seemed unfazed.

Snape’s voice trembled with displeasure. He was being made to look a fool by a horse, wearing sunglasses no less! “And what sort of bark container, the only type which can do so, holds this Pleasurus Potionatum?” His thin lips twitched as he waited for an answer.

Moving his long face an inch away from Snape’s, Horse_ebooks blew out one stream of hot, horsey breath. “Basket Stitch.”

With a whip of his billowing robes, Professor Snape turned on his heel and walked back to the front of the classroom. Harry caught Hermione gazing at Horse_ebooks with a sense of longing, and Ron glared under his ginger fringe.

The Killer

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 14:19:00 -0400

Terror pulsed through my veins as I crashed through the woods. Branches snapped as they scraped my face, and a tangle of underbrush sprang up to trip me. I existed only for one purpose: escape.

The phone had rang that night. I remember groggily reaching for it as The 5th Wheel reruns played in the background, the TV cycling on since I had fallen asleep earlier. My father was out on a date, and I was home alone. Oh, not alone I guess…Grandma was staying with us as well. But she was fast asleep upstairs, not answering the phone, leaving the task to me.

“Are you ready to die?” The voice had growled.

“Shut up, Luke. That’s not funny, man. I just got done watching Blair Witch on Spike. You coming over or what?” I walked to the fridge to find something to eat. Cold pizza? Nah. If Luke was coming over, we could use my dad’s card and just order some fresh ones.

“Are you ready to die? 2 minutes.” And the caller hung up. The dialtone buzzed in my ear.

“What a retard.” I had mumbled, and felt my phone buzz. A text read 120 seconds. Unknown number. I got a bit flushed. I remembered Luke was somewhere…something didn’t click. My brain was scrambling. Who was playing this prank? Another text. 90 seconds.

I ran to the back door and turned on the porch lights. Sitting on the porch were a pair of hiking boots, a flashlight, and some fresh, balled up socks. I slid the door open and stepped outside. Another text. One minute, bitch.

My heart started racing. A voice to my left said calmly, “Shoes and footwear.” I whipped around to face whoever was speaking. It came from the shadows and I couldn’t see anything. It repeated, more pressing and urgent, “Shoes and footwear.”

Before I could step towards the voice, the alarm rang through my house and the front door burst open. A figure in a black cloak glided towards me, and I slammed the back door, scooped up the boots, and took off towards the woods. I couldn’t explain how I knew it was real, but I just did. Was it the butcher knife glinting from the figure’s hand?

So here I was, crashing through the woods. I could just make out a sound, like a gallop, beside me. I tried to make out the shape of a large horse through the trees in the moonlight. Was it…wearing sunglasses? It couldn’t be. My heart skipped. What was happening? Was this a dream?

In the same voice as I heard from the porch, it yelled out to me. “Who Wants Tyler Dead? A Cozy Mystery.” I couldn’t slow down. I tossed aside the boots and just then, tripped on a large root. The cloaked figure sprang towards me, and I kicked outwards, catching the killer’s neck under my heel. The horse stood, 3 yards away and craning eagerly to see what was happening in my struggle.

Horse_ebooks whispered over our fighting bodies, “Add the mystery of the kid’s missing mother, the suspicious actions of the grandmother, and the puzzling attention of a fellow…” and trailed off as I smashed the would-be killer’s nose through his dark mask and sprang to my feet.

Again, I was thundering through the forest, skidding over slick patches of leaves and narrowly missing stumps in the dark. Horse_ebooks cantered and swerved alongside me, weaving closer and frothing in anticipation from his muzzle. He threw his head back to fix his slipping RayBans and called out, “It’s by understanding: 1) What you are dealing with - Understanding the medium is vital when you have to be successful and—”

Just as the horse spoke, I felt a tug on my shirt and the collar of my polo yanked at my throat. I couldn’t die, not like this. Not with Horse_ebooks watching eagerly, shouting at me from the sidelines of my demise. That’s when I saw it—the stars and moon wavering in the inky black ripples of the stream.

Would it work? Could I use my superior swimming skills to escape? I wriggled out of my shirt and ducked towards the rocky overhang.

Horse_ebooks trotted behind me, and whispered, “When Tyler claims someone pushed him into a river, she doubts—” And I couldn’t hear the rest as I plunged under the surface.